Memories Before.

My memory was pretty good, I remember once seeing a picture of a yellow duckling with red wellies on his feet and a blue umbrella, I said to my mum, "I had that picture on my cot!" My mum was amazed as she said I was 2 at the most when they got rid of that cot but she said it was a very similar picture.

I started school early joining those who would be a year ahead for the rest of my school life. I clearly remember not wanting to stay behind in reception while my classmates moved up a year, I cried when I was told but soon stopped when the teacher explained I was needed to show the new children where the register is taken and where to put their things. Very quickly, I also realised I was conned. I've always hated being conned, it happened at around the same time I had my ears pierced, the first hurt like hell but the second didn't, I cried after the second because the lady said she was rubbing off the ink mark. She shot the stud into my ear, I realised I had been conned and then cried. I was 4, I didn't know what being conned meant but it's that feeling, deception.

I saw the school nurse very regularly. I grew up believing I started school early because I wanted to be by my brother who is 3 years older. I never questioned this. I couldn't identify with girls, felt inferior and shy but could be aggresive with boys and needed to feel in control of them and stronger than them. Girls could pretty much get away with anything where I was concerned, I felt lower than them.

I never much liked my personality, I wanted to be like all the other girls but didn't know what was different about me so could never correct it. I don't remember feeling particularly happy at any point as a child but had no reason that I could think of to be unhappy.